How to Call Someone Out

I'm all about being feisty, standing up for yourself and asserting your presence. 

Confrontation, generally speaking, is best avoided. But, as Victor Hugo once wrote, "You have enemies? Why, it is the story of every man who has done a great deed or created a new idea. It is the cloud which thunders around everything that shines. Fame must have enemies, as light must have gnats. Do not bother yourself about it; disdain. Keep your mind serene as you keep your life clear."¹ This is often paraphrased and misattributed to Winston Churchill as "You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life." At the end of the day, both quotes are used to convey a very important message: You must stand up for what you believe is right and just. 

Keep this moral duty in mind when worrying if you are the cause of drama or escalating a situation more than necessary. With this and the conviction of your beliefs in mind, let us explore how exactly one goes about standing up for themselves...

You're Going to Need Receipts

By this I mean actual evidence of their social crimes against you or your cause. This could include screenshots of old messages so when they claim to have never said such a thing you can show them they did. It may include photo or video evidence of something they did - think the Depp/Heard trial when they had photos, audio clips etc. Obviously this isn't serious enough to take anyone to court (please, I am NOT giving legal advice!) but you're going to want an airtight argument. Witnesses also help to back you up. Find a neutral party or undisputable event which led one thing to another.  

Multiple Attempts

If you're calling someone out for doing (or not doing) something you should probably try several gentler methods of encouragement before jumping straight in and figuratively lighting their hair on fire. This will also bolster your reasons for being pissed off because you can demonstrate why you have simply had enough of their games. 

Use Emotional Reasoning

If you try to be too scientific they can turn around and argue an impaired emotional state is the reason for their actions. If your stance is 100% emotional, it will be difficult to fully make sense of and they may use this against you by implying the problem somehow lies with you and your perception. This is because emotions are in the abstract realm, herder to explain because they are different to everyone. Like trying to see if your colour red is the same as the way another person sees red. Everyone has emotions but we all react differently based on our personality type, our values and what's important to us, the wider context of our lives, our physical state and so many more factors. 

When conveying how you feel about something, try to break it down and be specific about the causes. As an example, a person might say to someone they live with, "When the room is not kept clean and tidy I get anxious because I worry about setting off my dust allergy and my brain does not function well when my environment is disorganised. This is important to my wellbeing, not just a personal preference. I would appreciate you respecting this and doing your part to keep our environment clean and safe."

Think Ahead

When you picture how the call out might go, imagine you are the other person. Think what rebuttals they will come up with to shift the blame off of themselves. Will they get defensive? Will they turn it around and claim I am in the wrong? Will they twist my words or misunderstand me? Think how well this person responds to criticism and confrontation. Are they adaptable and change easily? Do they self-reflect on their social position often? What is their level of self-awareness? 

All of these questions and predictions are important to think about if you don't want to be caught by a turning table. This also helps you recognise if your reason for berating that person is reasonable and worthwhile. It can be stressful to stand up for yourself and for some people it takes a lot of courage. You need to be sure their actions cannot be explained away by something out of their control or easily forgivable. You must have justification for initiating a tête-à-tête in the first place. 

Visualisation

What's the best outcome? What do you want to get out of this conversation? It could be an apology, having someone stay away from you, changing a negative behaviour, making them aware of their harmful traits, encouraging them to take on more healthy and helpful habits or even seeking understanding and acknowledgement for how their actions are affecting you. One of the most important things about calling someone out is to know what you want to get out of it. Visualise a best case a scenario, one that you would find acceptable and a worst case. Recognise that the worst-case scenario is highly unlikely to occur - don't let it scare you into backing down. 

Never forget to be kind. If the other person is understanding and willing to make changes there is no need to push them further. Thank them for their understanding and willingness to accept you and your boundaries. Hope you never have to do it again, know that you inevitably will. 

Best of all, think about how great you will feel afterwards. Confrontation is never joyful or easy, but the rush you get after doing something hard is worth it. You will hopefully bring about positive change too! Change is scary but there is nothing worse than remaining in a situation that diminishes you. You have the power and the ability to bring about this change so use this guide, visualise what you want and believe in yourself. 

Notes:

1. "Things Seen," "Essays" in The Works of Victor Hugo, Vol. 14 (Wildside Press LLC, 2008) p67: Things Seen and Essays - Victor Hugo - Google Books fact checked on PolitiFact | Quote attributed to Churchill on having enemies originally came from Victor Hugo