There is Such a Thing as 'Too Nice'

I recently had a bit of an epiphany. I realised that most people's problems (at least, among the women in my life) could be solved by people putting themselves first. The world socialises us to believe that selflessness is the highest virtue. The needs of others should come before our own. This is very true to an extent. It is necessary conditioning for peace in a species that is drawn toward selfishness, violence and destruction. In order to build communities, we need to take care of each other. Taking care of the weak, the infirm and the needy is by no means glamorous. It is not something we naturally want to do. But we have developed emotions such as pity and guilt for this reason. So that even when we would much rather be doing something else, we are forced through shame and fear and spend our time with people we would much rather run from or those who drain our energy and give little in return.

Humans have evolved to be social creature who come in groups. This would have enhanced our chances at survival once upon a time. However, we are currently living in the modern world. A world in which a human can go days without speaking if they do not wish to. If you work from home and live alone, you could survive without even seeing another person for days at a time. This breeds the loneliness pandemic. We are hard-wired to want to be around other people even when they inconvenience us. It is not our choice but our biology which makes it so.

While we need the company and companionship of others, there is a balance to recognise. Some, if not most of you readers are people pleasers and probably women. Women are groomed to be caregivers. We tell ourselves it is natural as we have a mothering instinct to take care of those around us. But why should a daughter be a caregiver to a brother? Why should a wife be expected to look after her husband in a way that exceeds the effort of the male? Women are queens of the domestic, princesses of their dynasties. It is our empathy that is both our greatest strength and the cause of our downfall. 

If you often find yourself taking on responsibility you don't actually want, fixing problems for others, attempting to prevent them from making wrong choices about their own lives, accepting the brunt of the burden because nobody else will, then perhaps you should take a step back and evaluate your boundaries. Ask yourself:

• What are my needs?
• Are they being met?
• What do I need from others?
• How can others help me?
• Can they help themselves?
• Can I justify taking these responsibilities as my own?
• To what extent is it actually my business?
• Am I making excuses on another persons' behalf?
• Why does it affect me?

Sometimes, we take on too much. Not because we want to but because we believe the world will fall apart around us if we don't. We convince ourselves of the impotence of others. We convince ourselves we cannot or should not ask for help. 

Relinquish the need to control what you cannot. It does not serve you nor others. Getting stressed about other people not doing things you think they should to help themselves is none of your business. You need to prioritise yourself. Prioritise your needs. Prioritise your rest. 

When you push yourself past your limits for the sake of being nice you are not the only one who suffers. Accept that when you are stressed, it affects the people closest to you. When you are bitter that you have sacrificed your time or your rest needlessly in the name of others, in the name of doing good and being selfless, there is nobody to blame but yourself for neglecting your own needs. Do not rely on other people magically noticing your needs and fulfilling them for you. Equally, it is unfair to expect yourself to be able to do the same. There are some things which are simply out of our reach. Accept this, and you will begin to treat yourself a little more fairly. 

It is a good thing to be nice. Just don't do it at the expense of your own wellbeing. There is a big difference between being a selfish b!tch and taking good enough care of yourself so that nobody else has to. The path to true independence lies in being able to give yourself what you need, not waiting for the permission and notice of others... which may never come at all.