The Museum of Lost Friends

I was out with a friend this evening and after a classy book launch and a trip to Eataly we got talking about a mutual friend whom we both love but feel we've grown apart from. We went to the same university and were a close group of four for years before she made the move to Korea to start a new life. She just got married! Which is fantastic and we're so happy for her. But my Eataly friend was worried they don't have as much time to catch up as they used to. She felt de-prioritised. This is a rare moment I had some wisdom to empart and I wouldn't have written this blog if she hadn't expressed openly that my advice helped her process the situation. So here it is. 

I have been through the same thing before. A close childhood friend moved to a different country in a difficult time zone. I went to visit her and she told me she was unsure if meeting up was a good idea. She said she had a new life and it was unrealistic to expect us to be able to keep in touch regularly. She was building something which had no room for past friends far away whom she would barely ever see again. She wanted to let go of it all and focus her energy on friendships in her new country. I could understand this entirely, while some of my other friends at home found it rude. She had to focus on what was in front of her. We have to look in our direction of travel, after all. 

However, I am stubborn and full of love. I told her I don't care if we only write to each other once a year a Christmas, I just want to know she's doing okay. I didn't want her to spend lots of time on me or remind her of a life she'd rather move on from. But I needed her to know I would always be there for her if ever she needed a little support from across the world. She seemed happy with this, relieved that we were transparent with how much time and energy we could each offer the friendship and we have in fact stayed loosely in touch. She will always feel like a sister to me no matter how far away or how much our lives have changed. 

Change is an inevitable and integral part of life. It's important to keep us moving - sometimes forwards into new and exciting challenges, sometimes it feels circular but all with lessons to learn. It makes us appreciate things while we have them. Like living in the same town as your friends, or being in the same timezone. 

The important part is to not expect our friends to stay the same forever. They will change, you will change; in personality, life experience, circumstance and aspirations. Don't trap the people you love into an old version of them they've moved on from. Stay curious about your friends and family. If you feel distant from friends who moved away, try to accept that you simply won't have the same kind of friendship and that that's okay. That's part of supporting someone you love - knowing when to let them go. It doesn't mean the love will fade into obscurity, it means you're both figuring out how to thrive in your way. 

I don't have that much in common with people I used to be inseparable from. But we still love each other. I learn about their concerns, their dreams, their day-to-day responsibilities and near future goals. I try to imagine what it's like to live their life. To be in a different country I've never lived in, speak a language I don't know, work a job I've never done, to be married when I never have been, to be a parent when I can't even grasp what that fully means or how it changes you. Empathy, compassion and curiosity is what maintains friendships not calling every week or having the same hobbies. 

So don't despair if your friendships feel different than they used to. The real ones will always be there for you no matter what. You just have to give them the space and patience you would want for yourself, then show them how deep your love is. If you do lose them for good, smile at your museum of lost friends and feel grateful that you have those memories kept safely in their glass boxes, and that their power to make you remember platonic love will remain undimmed for years to come.