Let others be responsible for themselves

 Here ye! Here ye! A revolutionary philosophy unearthed! Having boundaries and putting yourself first isn't the only way you're failing to protect your energy! 

You're putting yourself first, setting boundaries, trying to trust the process but still feeling guilty and trapped. What is wrong with you? Why can't you just switch it off? Just be a girlboss and slay. 

I was talking to my Mum the other evening and while giving her some advice I came to my own realisations mid-conversation. We were talking about all the people we want to protect and how far is reasonable to go when looking out for a loved one. Where do you draw the line between stopping them doing something harmful to themselves and helping minimise risk where you can? 

You have to let people be responsible for themselves. If someone wants to take a risk, you can express your discontent but you can't restrict their free will - you can't stop them doing it. No matter how good a negotiator you might be, some battles you just can't win. In those situations, we drive ourselves crazy with guilt, feeling like we have to 'fix it' for them or stop them doing something they'll regret. I am sure this is how parents of teenagers feel; you know they are going to regret that haircut, piercing, bad tattoo but you have to let them learn by their own experience. You cannot bubble-wrap an adult to protect them from themselves. 

This guilt is the result of you imposing your values and judgement on their lives. Even if it comes from a place of meaning well, it is inherently selfish. It is disempowering them to make their own decisions. It is enforcing a hierarchy that your opinion matters more than theirs AND it is placing responsibility on your shoulders where there is none. YOU are not responsible for the decisions and life choices of others. No matter how much you love them, you have to let them make their own choices. Let them make their own mistakes if that's what you see them to be. 

Open your mind to the possibility that things will go right - they love that haircut, their favourite feature is that tattoo, the skiing trip was life-changing. No matter their perceived handicap, people have to feel they have agency in their own lives. Don't take that away from them under the guise of caring and being responsible. Obviously, if someone is legally considered unable to make decisions for themselves that becomes a whole separate discussion. I'm talking about when we worry excessively about our adult friends and family because we feel they could be living their lives better than they are. 

The only way you can really help is to offer support, express your opinion and leave the ball in their court. Trust that they know what is best for them or that they will learn from experience, not from being told what to do. 

It's not your fault for feeling protective and responsible. It's human nature. It is the power of love, family, friendship and all that cheesy crap. The desire to protect each other can be one of the most powerful emotions we have because it stems from our need to live in communities. That is how we have survived in distant history. It means you have a conscience. So, don't take this as a telling off if you can relate. Take is as permission to be free from your guilt. Next time you feel defeated because you just can't stop whatever bad thing you see coming, let go of the illusion of control and let them take responsibility for what happens next. You'll be alright, I promise.